


I am damaged

by DoomsdayMadeMeCry



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo calligraphy, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Sex, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy as hell, Funeral, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inspired by Heathers, Inspired by Music, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Redemption, One Shot, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Sad, Teacher-Student Relationship, Teaching calligraphy, character introspection, sad as hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 11:53:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14056440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomsdayMadeMeCry/pseuds/DoomsdayMadeMeCry
Summary: Ben Solo was damaged from the very beginning, maybe Rey was damaged too. That might be why both broken pieces fit perfectly.‘He grabbed her hands between his, and placing them together he blew to warm them.“Your hands are cold” he mumbled.“You aren’t wearing your gloves”.’Inspired by “I am damaged” from Heathers.





	I am damaged

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I was listening to Heathers (again, because I love that musical) and I am damaged inspired me to write this one-shot.   
> I intend to crosspost this on Tumblr, so if you come from there, hi!!!   
> I believe it is very emotional, maybe I went a bit all over the top.   
> Let me know what you think, and thanks for commenting in advance!

Five years had passed since that fateful battle in Snoke’s throne room, where Rey believed she had grasped what remained of Ben Solo inside Kylo Ren. For a moment she thought it possible to recover him, bring him back home. She was wrong. 

Nobody could return Ben Solo to what used to be his life, because all of it was broken. Han Solo had disappeared and Luke too. Rey knew this, and, honestly, she didn’t wish to drag him back to something that had brought so much pain, to him and to his family. Nonetheless, she kept hope that she could take him  somewhere new and better. Somewhere that didn’t involve death, nor militarism, nor the horror caused by the First Order. Was she too optimistic?

Most likely, anyone would think so, but if she had specialised in something it was rescuing whatever had deteriorated and fixing it. She also knew that, in order to help Ben, he had to let her. 

There lay the problem, everyone’s mistake. Nobody could bring Kylo Ren back. 

Many years ago, in Jakku, she had seen two children dragging the dying body of, presumably, their grandfather. One glimpse had been enough to know they wouldn’t make it.  Not because the kids weren’t strong enough, not at all. Upon seeing the man she knew that he didn’t plan on staying alive. In order to save someone it is needed that the person wants to be saved. 

For that reason, the only one capable of redeeming Kylo Ren was Kylo Ren himself. The moment he decided to take the first step Rey would go to him, and she wouldn’t allow anyone to stop them. Until then, Rey would wait for as long as it took.

* * *

Leia’s death hit them unexpectedly. Rey didn’t know the woman as well as she would have liked, but she admired her for certain. The general received the funeral she deserved, everyone who loved her attended a beautiful ceremony where the body was cremated and the ashes were laid down to rest inside a mausoleum created to honor the victims of Alderaan. 

The room shaped as an apse was surrounded by walls made of obsidian, where the names of survivors from Alderaan, who had died far from home, had being embedded with alabaster. Plasma lights placed behind the white mineral made the names look like stars floating in space. The floor too was covered with obsidian. In the centre of the room a pedestal of carved ebony rested, on which the remains of Leia lay. The labradorite urn glowed like a star at the half-lit environment.

Rey stood in front of the monument when everybody had already left. It seemed right.

“Now a princess rests with her people” said Kylo Ren with a gloomy voice. More than usual. 

Rey could feel the emotions of that man dressed in darkness.  He had awakened the bond for the first time in months, not because of her, but to pay his respects the only way he could. 

“I thought you couldn’t see my surroundings”answered Rey, as if to confirm her presence. She preferred using a meaningless sentence rather than tackling the true issue straightforwardly. 

“The bond is evolving” he explained dryly, looking at the names written over the walls, like shunning the image of his mother’s urn could change reality.  “We can see eachother’s surroundings…” he turned his face to stare at her with his reddened eyes “and feel their emotions too”.

Rey spent the next few hours holding him. None of them bothered to say a word. Kylo didn’t cry, although they both knew he wanted to.

* * *

The bond had sprung to life again. It happened during the morning, while Rey had breakfast in her room. Poe, who had ascended to the leadership of the Resistance, prioritized that Rey could move in a tranquil environment in order to make progress in her studies of the Jedi texts. What the pilot didn’t understand was that it did not work that way. Rey didn’t follow the Jedi path strictly, she left place for her emotions and impulses, she kept light and a piece of darkness within. Devoting herself to contemplative life for months wouldn’t provide her a revelation. She felt bored rather than concentrated. 

So when Kylo appeared before her, she focused on him.

“What are you doing?” she asked with curiosity. 

Kylo sat in front of a desk where he had placed some utensils and a paper sheet, just like the ones  her books were made of, but bigger. When he heard her speak he turned. Rey was able to see that he had poured a black liquid over some sort of stone plate. He held a brush in his right hand. He wasn’t wearing gloves. 

Kylo glanced at her with surprise.

“I’m writing”. 

“But… you are using papel”. 

“You can write on paper too”. 

“I know that” she answered ignoring the fact that he had just treated her as if she was stupid. “But, why do you use paper? Nobody does, the first thing I’ve ever seen written on paper have been these books” she explained pointing at the book resting on her lap “and they are ancient”.

Kylo remained quiet, considering her. 

“It calms me. When I write I can focus better. Compared to technology, paper is warmer,  more... personal... I guess”.

“You open yourself to the light when you write” she wasn’t asking, she could sense it. Kylo looked at her, for real this time, his compassive eyes betrayed him. Rey was right. “What are you writing?”.

Kylo didn’t speak for a moment. Rey could feel his longing, the conflict, and she wished to say something to help him, but he replied before she got the chance. 

“Poetry”.

* * *

The image of Kylo dissolved right after that, leaving her by herself again. 

“Ben…”.

The next time she saw him writing, Rey didn’t waste time and started to ask questions to satiate her curiosity. 

“What do you use that plate for?” she asked pointing at the stone-made instrument. 

“It’s called inkstone, you use it to put the ink there and control the amount you get to write” he began to explain calmly. “I’ll show you”. 

Kylo made a gesture telling her to come close. Rey took a chair from her room and sat by his side. He grabbed a bar of a dark material that was kept inside a wooden box. 

“This is the ink. You pour some water at the deep part of the inkstone and dissolve it. It mustn’t be too dense, because then your traces will look too thick,  but, also, not too liquid, because the ink will look too clear” Kylo said while he dissolved the accurate amount of ink and mixed it with a brush. 

His years of skill became evident. For the first time Rey wondered how many years was he older. She would have liked to know her  birthday, then she could ask his and find out.

“There must be a balance” she replied, proving she had understood.

“Exactly”. 

She watched how he carefully wiped the brush against the shallow part of the inkstone to take away the excess of ink. 

“Now, posture is very important to write. You have to place yourself one fist apart the desk” he showed her placing his fist between his stomach and the desk “and one fist apart from the chair. You also need to stand straight. This is because when you make the brush strokes you accompany the movement with your body”. 

Kylo wrote a word expertly, leaving Rey amazed by the beauty in his handwriting. 

“Mamihlapinatapai” Rey read slowly “I haven’t heard that word in any of the languages I speak”. 

“It is an untranslatable word”. 

“What does it mean?”.

She didn’t know what had caused it, whether it was her question or the situation, she was struck when she saw Kylo smile a little. 

“It doesn’t matter” he quickly dismissed it “now you try it”. 

He extended his hand and offered her the brush. Rey took it without touching his bare hand. She did as he had before, placing herself in the right way. She dipped the brush in the ink and removed the excess. Rey looked at Kylo. 

“What do I write?”. 

“Try your name first, that’s what I did at the beginning” something inside Rey shrunk thinking about a younger version of him writing ‘Ben Solo’ in quick and neat characters. 

Rey started writing, trying to copy what he had seen him do. ‘Resh, esk, yirt’. 

“It doesn’t look that good” she said, somehow disappointed. 

“I think it is very impressive, I wouldn’t be able to tell this is your first attempt”. 

They stared at eachother. Rey thought that she wanted to kiss him, just a peck on his lips, some kind of contact. Something passed between them. Did he want to kiss her too?  Kylo broke eye contact and glanced at the word he had written. 

What did it mean?

* * *

Her first kiss didn’t go as expected. 

She had got drenched by an unexpected rainstorm when she had crossed the base to retrieve some mechanical supplies. 

Kylo appeared when she was about to reach her room to get a long warm shower. 

“People normally take their clothes off when having a bath” he said in a cunning tone. 

“Oh, I’m sure you are an expert at spending all day half-naked, but, actually, some of us have this thing called decency” she answered angrily while shivering. 

“You’re shaking” he said matter-of-factly. 

“Yes, and unless you can fix that…”. 

Then Kylo did something unexpected, he grabbed her hands between his, and placing them together he blew to warm them. 

“Your hands are cold” he mumbled. 

“You aren’t wearing your gloves”. 

“I was writing when the bond opened, I never wear them when I do that, they get in the way”. 

Rey had never felt so small in her entire life, not even in a battle. The intimacy of the moment made her feel tiny and confused, and she had the strange feeling that time was slowing around them. Kylo felt impossibly warm, and the realisation hit her, she had never thought this man could be described as warm, and yet…

No, he wasn’t, only when it came to her. 

Rey got closer, the cold felt like too much, and Kylo’s presence reassured her. How he could calm her so much, she didn’t know. Rey felt safe. 

Kylo must have sensed something through the bond, because his expression, usually stoic, got overflown by emotion. His eyes trembled. ‘We can sense the other’s emotions’ Rey reminded herself. 

Suddenly, Kylo had wrapped his arms around her protectively. She sensed the same feeling of safety coming from him.  Then, he gently pulled her face away from the crook of his neck using the Force, and made her look at him again. 

He lowered his head and pressed his lips against her, the gesture was filled with tenderness. Peace surged from the man who held her. Rey wanted to cry. Maker, she felt so full. Rey gave herself to the kiss passionately. 

Peace and passion. 

Light and darkness. 

Rey and Ben. 

Balance.

* * *

In different circumstances such degree of nudity would have made her feel modesty. Instead, she found herself comfortable, at home. The bed had morphed into a fortress of scrambled sheets and warmth. Her body touched the quilt, everything seemed softer than usual. Rey buried her feet under a blanket that had been misplaced at the edge of the mattress,  a pleasant sensation ran through her as she felt the heat trapping her toes. She committed herself to enjoy the feeling of Ben’s hot and moist breath at her low neck, where he listened to her heartbeat. 

As she fell asleep, she thought that moment defined the word plenitude.

* * *

Ben had decided to take the first step. 

Rey didn’t take long to get the Millenium Falcon into hyperspace to go join him. Her friends had insisted to accompany her on the trip, she didn’t know very well how she would explain it to them, but it didn’t matter, with Ben on their side they would bring peace to the galaxy. He was all they needed, and all Rey needed.

Nevertheless, things hadn’t gone as planned. The First Order’s flagship, the Finalizer, had followed Ben’s TIE. The bond had awakened again, Ben materialised inside the ship, in front of everyone. 

“What is he doing here?!” Finn exclaimed as he drew his blaster. 

In a matter of seconds a fictional battlefield had been prepared inside the ship. Poe and Finn aimed at Ben with their weapons. Rose held her taser as if her life depended on it. 

Rey came between them and Ben’s image. 

“Rey leave. There’s no time for me to get on board. I’ll distract them while you flee” Ben said seriously. 

“I’m not leaving without you”. 

“Rey, don’t be stubborn, save yourself. I’ll buy you some time” Ben tried to persuade her, sounding frustrated. 

Rey realised that, just like that man with his grandchildren, Ben didn’t plan to get out alive. She turned around in despair. 

“Finn, you’re the best gunman I know, please, help me…”. 

Chewie roared from the cockpit, two shots from the Star Destroyer cannons were heading their way, they needed to make it to lightspeed. Now. 

Poe headed for the cockpit screaming. 

“There is no time! Use the deflective shields!”. 

Suddenly, both lasers stood frozen in the blackness of space. 

“Rey…” Ben said with trouble “I won’t be able to hold them for too long. So listen to me. I want you to leave, go somewhere safe from this godforsaken war” at this point Rey couldn’t help crying “Don’t cry” he got closer to her and wiped the tears away “there is no place for me in this story. I’m far too damaged”. 

Four more shots were fired and stopped by Ben. Rey realised he wasn’t firing them back at them because he wanted to say goodbye. 

“You’re not, there’s more to you, there is hope, I’ve seen it” Rey took his hand tenderly “please, let me help you”. 

“You already have”. 

Ben turned and shouted. 

“Chewie! I’m sorry. For everything. But I need you to get the Falcon to lightspeed, now!”. 

Chewie growled affirmatively. 

“No!” Rey screamed. 

He could see Ben’s image starting to fade away. Six laser rays were directed against the Finaliser, making severe damage. Ben extended his hand, and the Finaliser’s engines stopped to work. The entire ship began to collapse. 

“Rey,” Ben turned his face for the last time “I love you”. 

Rey pulled her arms around her stomach protectively. The Falcon jumped to lightspeed just as the Finaliser busted into a ball of energy, turned into smithereens. 

“I know”. 


End file.
